Post Breakup

I always prided myself on being a bit of a hard-ass. I didn't need a boyfriend. I didn't need anyone, I had myself and I would always be fine. Sure, I wanted a boyfriend, but there were no guys I liked that liked me back. Or any guys I liked at that matter.

That changed when I saw a blonde haired, blue eyed guy my senior year of college. His name was Shane and I felt an instant connection unlike anything I've ever felt before. We were together for 1 year and 2 months.

He was my first boyfriend. My first (real) kiss. My first sexual encounter. My first everything. He was my first love.

He broke up with me last Tuesday night. I cried myself to sleep and gave myself a migraine the next day. I texted him for the first time since then last night and again cried myself to sleep. My eyes were almost swollen shut for half of today.

He still cares for and loves me, as do I. It was an amicable breakup. It's killing me and it's killing him. But it's the right decision I think. We're in different places, literally, and figuratively. We're young and need to discover ourselves. I know I still see myself as a kid who is just playing pretend in this grown up world. I'm sure he feels similar.

It hurts but I wouldn't give up that year and two months for anything else in the world. I've learned so much about myself. I never could understand why girls would get so enraptured with their significant others that they seemed to lose touch of their sanity. I just didn't understand. Now I do. I'm not saying I'm losing my grip on reality. That's a bit sensationalistic.

There are phantom memories. We made out on this couch. We had sex on that bed. We bonded over going to Pirate games. He called me Pooh. I called him a hipster about his music tastes.

Time heals everything. That's exactly what we both need. And if we ever get back together, excellent! And if we don't, I will have the best memories ever of my first love. He'll always have a special place in my heart. But I'm doing my best to not linger on the past and wail "why?!" Instead I'm looking to the future and living in the present.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.