Some thoughts concerning religion

I went to a religious Christian summer camp for 7 years and worked as a camp counselor for 5 years. This camp was integral to my faith. I started going when I was 8 and soon developed an almost crippling fear of hell. If you never developed such a fear or were ever a believer, you are lucky. I never thought of my religious upbringing as childhood indoctrination. However, the more I think back on my faith years, the more I see the damage done. I spent many nights scared to fall asleep and chanting the old prayer,

"Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen."

I was so scared every time I sinned that if I happened to die I would be sent to hell. No child should contemplate their death and fear being tortured forever.

I've been thinking about camp recently simply because the friends I made there are on twitter and I follow them and vice versa. I see a lot of religious tweets.  I also see the atheists that I follow challenging religious belief on a daily basis and it inspires me to do the same. However I'm in a bit of a dilemma. Do I just interact with strangers or with the people who I personally know and care about?

On top of this, I've already received some pushback, although subtle, for coming out as an atheist. I was best friends with a girl for so long and then I moved away when I was 7. We drifted in and out of each others' lives but we had a strong bond and our love for our camp kept us together. Sure we had different friends and lives but I always thought we would be in each others' lives. I was wrong.

She got engaged. I found out by twitter, and not in the "hey I'm engaged allison!" or even a general announcement. It was subtle but I immediately texted her some congratulations. I knew she'd been this guy for a long time and they really loved each other as well as shared similar religious beliefs. Time passed and then, she was married. I was a little bewildered. I sure wasn't expecting to be in the wedding party but maybe an invite? I mean, she had always meant a lot to me. Maybe I put more into our friendship than she did. Maybe this wasn't about me being an outspoken atheist. I mean, maybe she just wanted a small party of close friends (which I'd drifted out of).

I don't want to make this about me. I don't want to be selfish. But I'm kind of hurt. The cynical part of my brain (which in retrospect is pretty large) says its because I'm an atheist and good Christians don't associate with apostates.

So I'm wary. Do I alienate more of my past Christian friends by asking questions and disagreeing? I don't know. I'm nervous and just sad. Sad that that part of my life is over. Sad that we are worlds apart now. Sad that they will look at me with pity and maybe scorn. In many ways my heart still hurts over my past. I look at being a counselor and grieve for taking part in brainwashing children. I grieve for the fact that my life's trajectory was changed. I grieve for the what ifs and most of all I grieve for the little child that wept about hell.